Don’t Ever Look Back

dont-ever-look-back

j267

It’s said that no one ever forgets their first kiss. In my case, the first girl I kissed also turned out to be the last. Sarah and I met in pre-school and for some reason that no one was ever able to explain we became inseparable. Our first kiss was at seven and I swear it felt like an orgasm was ripping through me as our lips met for the first time. Back then, people thought our puppy love was cute. As we grew older, there was a general expectation that we would drift apart. When we stood at the altar of our rural church fresh out of college to exchange vows, people finally admitted that we were indeed a unique and special couple.

My parents thought the world of Sarah and likewise her parents felt I was like a son. Since Sarah didn’t have a brother, I became the de facto son for her dad. From an early age, he would take me with him to their ranch where we would spend time tending to the livestock or hunting. Likewise, Sarah would usually accompany my mom and sisters to trips to the nearest city, seventy miles away, for shopping.

During our rehearsal dinner, I pulled out an old box that was filled with past valentine cards, love notes from elementary school, and other little gifts that Sarah had given me along the way. There were tears from everyone in the room, including the men, but the most special moment was the look of utter love Sarah gave me when she realized how special those things had been to me.

Amazingly, we didn’t consummate our relationship until we were freshmen in college. We got by on heavy petting and experimented with oral sex usually in the back seat of my car parked on some quite country road. I have to admit the first several times of “going all the way” were awkward but soon we were past that and spending three or four nights a week in each other’s bed.

That was about twenty-two years ago. In between was a move to the city and two kids, a boy and a girl, in quick succession. We had done well in our careers too. Both of us had started on the corporate ladder but Sarah had elected to start her own marketing consulting business and was doing quite well. I had stayed in the corporate world and had risen to the executive level and international engineering company.

Because we had started our family quickly, both kids were now in college. Sam our eldest was a junior and our daughter, Janey, was a freshman. Both attended universities in the state but several hours away from our home.

No one ever said it to my face but I knew that one of the things people found odd about our relationship was the dramatic difference in looks and personality. I’m not bad looking but nothing special either but also quite shy. Sarah on the other hand is best described as beautiful. She was the head cheerleader in high school and is slender with dark hair and perfect proportions. She has never struggled with weight and our two kids actually enhanced her figure by providing a slight rounding to her features. Her shapely legs and butt are her best feature. Along with her looks, is a charming personality that instantly puts people at ease. She attracts men like flies and we’ve actually had men try to hit on her right in front of me. She is always calm and patient with these guys and shuffles them off quickly without bruising their egos.

Unlike Sarah, I’ve struggled to maintain the plain looks I had. Weight has been a bit of a problem with me and only recently have I been able to get it back to a reasonable level. I also don’t possess anything like her charm. In business settings I do fine but in social gatherings I would be considered a wall flower.

Because of our success, we have a great house in the best part of town with a large pool where we often entertain. We are still close to our parents and they visit us often in the city and we usually visit them in our hometown for holidays. So, all in all, we have a pretty idyllic life with a great future.

At least it was until I saw him one day. You see our perfect time together all these years was marred by one unfortunate occurrence. It was really all my fault and to this day I’m ashamed by my stupidity and behavior. You see, in college, I decided our junior year that we should try dating other people. I had been pestered and teased by my fraternity brother since my freshman year that only geeks stayed with the same girl. Finally, their words, along with the alcohol I had consumed, resulted in a show down one evening where I told her I thought it would be a good idea to date other for a while.

Of course, I used all the stupid clichés about how it would make us closer but all it did was make her cry. It was the first time I had ever made her cry. Usually, she would melt me with just a glance but this time I was being a total jerk and fought off her looks and pleas. Eventually, she just went into the bedroom of her apartment and closed the door and I left.

That was on a Monday. The next weekend was the first time I can remember not being with Sarah when one of us was not ill or out of town with family. Friday, I went out drinking with the boys and was already feeling stupid and resentful for letting them talk me into hurting Sarah. They had arranged a date for me for the next night and promised that once I got into the swing of things I would be fine.

That Saturday a large party was being held by several fraternities at a large lake house owned by one of the guys. The party included a live band and plenty of alcohol. I had a date with Kim, set up by one of my fraternity brothers. Kim was a very pleasant young blond with large breasts. She was very cute and had a big smile and doe eyes that made her appear vulnerable.

We drank and danced and chatted with friends and were doing well together until I spotted Sarah. Sarah was with a couple of her girlfriends and had spotted me and was staring in my direction. While she was looking, Kim put her arm around my waist and hugged me. When I was able to look back at Sarah, her friends were holding her and guiding her away from the crowd. She disappeared from view and my heart told me that I should run to her but something mean inside me compelled me to stay with Kim.

Kim and I continued to party with or group, occasionally dancing, and later I saw that Sarah had come back to the party. I saw her dance a few times with different men which caused a deep wave of resentment and jealousy to come over me that I had to fight back.

Kin was a very nice person but the longer I stayed with the group and drank the lonelier I felt. I knew that if I could be with Sarah everything would be okay and I decided that after I got through this night I would go to her the next day and tell her what a stupid mistake I had made.

It was only a few minutes later that I saw Sarah back dancing. This time, she was with a black guy that I recognized as a member of the football team. This completely shocked me as Sarah and I had grown up in a community with no black’s and as far as I knew she had never had any direct contact with one. I was also cringing from the comments I would likely get from my friends if they saw Sarah dancing with a black guy.

It was Dan, a particularly arrogant asshole that noticed first.

“I didn’t know Sarah had jungle fever?” He said in a drunken drawl trying to provoke me.

My back was turned watching Sarah but I could hear the snickers behind me from my supposed friends. Only Kim seemed to sense my pain by squeezing my arm to let me know she understood.

“That’s Malcolm Johnson she dancing with. The stud freshman running back.” Jay, another of my friends added.

I was in for another surprise when one dance turned into two followed by some quiet one-on one conversation at the edge of the crowd before they returned back to the dance floor again. I ignored the shitty comments from my friends while this was going on knowing that if I started with them it would end in a brawl.

It was Kim that finally helped me out be pulling me aside.

“What’s the story with you and that girl?” she asked in a tone indicating she really wanted to know.

I gave her a brief description and when I was through she looked at me with arched brows.

“You better go tell her you’re sorry and beg her to forgive you.” Kim stated in a way that somehow brought total clarity to my confused mind.

“I have to.” Was all I could think of to say. Then followed with “I hope you’re aren’t mad at me.”

“I’m not mad. Go get her and I’ll catch a ride.” She said smiling.

I kissed her on the cheek then took a few steps away from the group to avoid the comments before heading towards the dance floor. As I approached, I looked for Sarah but couldn’t spot her in the crowd. So, I circled the dance area twice looking but there was no sign of either of them. I waited and looked for another thirty minutes before concluding that she must have left so I went to my car and drove to her apartment.

By now, it was after midnight and I knocked softly on her door thinking of what I would say and hoping her roommate was not around. After trying several times without success, I drove to my place and paced the floor for an hour before returning and trying again. Back and forth I went for the next ten hours until Sarah finally answered her door at a little before noon.

The door opened and Sarah was standing there in a white terry cloth robe with red sleepy eyes looking like she had just got up.

“Sarah, I’m so sorry I’ve made such a huge mistake.” I blurted out before the door was completely open.

There was a long silence as we looked in each other’s eyes before she said “You hurt me. I never ever thought you would hurt me.”

I completely lost it and started to cry and tried to step into the apartment to hold her but she stopped me by closing the door until only about six inches were open.

“Go home. I’ll call you later.” Was all she said as she closed the door the rest of the way.

I went back to my apartment and paced like a caged cat until Sarah finally called me at 10:00 PM that night. I babbled like a baby trying to speak to her explaining what a fool I had been and how it would never happen again. Sarah was calm, so calm that I knew she must be extremely upset, and explained to me softly and deliberately how much I had hurt her and how I had broken our bond.

It was a long recovery period from there. She wanted to talk through every aspect of why I had wanted to split and what had changed my mind. She wanted to know if I was sure that I wanted to be back with her and then warned me there would be no second chance. I spent weeks begging and groveling and professing my love. Finally, things seem to get back on track and four months after that fateful week we made love again. It was another three months after that that I felt we were truly reconnected.

Our parents and friends from our hometown never knew this had occurred. As far as they knew, we were racing towards graduation and marriage and a life together. When we announced our engagement and set a date for the wedding it was something natural and expected.

Then, after all this time, I saw him walking out of an office building downtown in a nice business suit. He was fortunate to have had a very successful college football career before spending five years in the pros. After that, I had no idea of what became of him so seeing him here in our city was a shock.

You see, I had always held in the back of my mind a question as to what had occurred that night after Sarah disappeared from the party. I knew that I couldn’t bring it up and have any chance of keeping her when I was trying to get us back together and later it just seemed safer to park the thought. Now seeing him the thoughts were flooding back into my brain. What had happened? Had she gone with him? Had he kissed her or touched her? She said she had been sleeping all night and didn’t hear me knocking. Was this true?

I realized I was standing in one place watching him walk away when I heard a voice.

“Yeah that’s Malcolm Johnson. Looks like he could still suit up.” A stranger said to me thinking I was trying to place a familiar face.

At home that evening, I used the internet to search for him and found out that he was a successful sports agent living in our city. It looked like he had been here for many years and only our chance encounter had brought it and the memories back to my attention.

Like some parasite boring into my brain, the events of that night wouldn’t leave my thoughts. I really tried to dismiss them as unimportant, as irrelevant, as distant memories without bearing but every time I let my guard down that came surging back. I found myself collecting info on him. Addresses, phone numbers, tidbits on what he did and who he represented. It became something of an obsession with a purpose that I didn’t want to admit but one that I couldn’t seem to stop.

I also learned that he was currently divorced but had been married three times and had six children. From old pictures, I was able to find out that at least one of his wives had been white.

For the next four months I fought with myself not to do it all the time knowing I would eventually give in. I actually picked a Friday afternoon, late in the day, to phone hoping that he would have left for the day.

“Hello, Malcolm Johnson, please.” I said into the telephone to the receptionist.

“May I say who is calling?” She replied professionally.

“Tell Malcolm that’s it’s an old friend from college.” I answered.

“Hold, please.” She responded after a short pause.

“Malcolm Johnson.” A booming voice came through the line.

“Uh, yes Mr. Johnson you don’t me but we were in school at the same time and I…uh have something I would like to talk to you about.” I said stumbling all over the words.

“Who is this and what do you want? I’m a busy man.” He said impatiently.

“Well, it’s kinda hard to explain I was hoping we could meet to discuss it.” I replied, again bumbling through the words.

“No, I ain’t going to meet you if you can’t tell me what it is.” He said as I heard the phone disconnect.

Well, that didn’t go well I thought to myself. Maybe it was for the best that it didn’t work out I rationalized. Unfortunately, those thoughts didn’t stay with me and soon I was once again becoming obsessed with the need to know. I knew I wouldn’t get him on the phone again so I began stalking him to learn his habits. I actually left work early a couple times to follow him as he left his office. From this effort, I learned that there was a sports bar on the way to his townhouse where he seemed to like to stop. I decided this would be where I would try to make contact.

It was four weeks before he stopped at the bar on a day I was following. I pulled into the parking lot and found a space across the lot from his car and after giving him ten minutes went inside. He was sitting at the bar with his back to the door with seats open on both sides of him and with a deep breath I sat on the stool to his right.

Malcolm glanced over to me and nodded as I sat. As I ordered a beer I could see him watching the local baseball team on the large TV. Malcolm was drinking vodka straight and after several minutes I made a comment about the play of the team and got a sociable but short response. We went back and forth like this through another round before I summoned my courage.

“You’re Malcolm Johnson aren’t you?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s me.” He answered seeming pleased to be recognized.

“We were in college at that same time.” I said.

“Oh, is that right? Cool.” He replied.

“Yeah, in fact I think I know a girl you went out with.” I told him as my stomach knotted.

“Who’s that?” He asked not showing any suspicion.

“Sarah Bennett.” I said giving my wife’s maiden name.

I saw his eyebrow arch slightly giving an indication of recognition before he spoke.

“Sarah Bennett. That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.” He said as a hint of a smile appeared.

I was actually surprised that he had recalled Sarah so easily after so many years. I had anticipated that I would need to describe the situation of their meeting and what she looked like.

“How do you know her?” Malcolm asked me after a brief silence.

“She’s my wife.” I told him and watched as his face tightened.

This was followed by a period of awkward silence and Malcolm turned and watched the game for a while before turning back to me.

“You’re the guy that called a couple weeks ago aren’t you?” He demanded more than asked.

“Yeah, that was me.” I said trying to hold his stare but looking off after a second.

“Then you’ve been following me. What the fuck is going on?” He demanded with his voice rising causing the bartender to glance over.

“Easy Malcolm, I’m not some crazy husband. I just wanted to talk and try to learn some things.” I replied trying to calm him.

“This seems pretty damn crazy to me.” He replied.

I had to admit that it was pretty crazy but I was able to get him to calm down and convinced him to let me buy him a drink and move to a table in a quiet corner of the bar. After sitting down, I gave him an abbreviated history of Sarah and I and how that week in college had been the only blip in our relationship. He listened quietly as I went on to explain that the night she had disappeared with him had always haunted me and I was just trying to understand what had occurred.

“Why don’t you ask Sarah?” He asked when I had finished.

“It wasn’t a good time back in college to push it and after all these years I don’t want to bring it up.” I explained.

“Dude, maybe it would be best if you just let it go.” He said which served only to heighten my curiosity.

“Believe me I’ve tried but I can’t.” I told him.

“I got to go. I’ll think about this thing you want. Give me your email address.” He said as he stood to leave.

I wrote my personal email address on a napkin and handed to him and he immediately headed for the door. I waited for a few minutes collecting my thoughts and going through the conversation in my head before I paid the check and left.

Three weeks went by before I heard from Malcolm again. His communication was a simple request for some pictures of Sarah. I asked him why he wanted them and received a quick response telling me that getting them was prerequisite for him meeting with me again.

I knew I was being manipulated and I suspected he had rightly determined that I was dealing with an obsession that resulted in limited control. So, I picked out some nice pictures of Sarah making sure to leave out those that showed our kids. Again, I received an almost immediate response. This time he informed me that these were not the kind of pictures he was referring to and that I should send the “good ones”.

Now this was more than I had expected and I didn’t respond for several days. It wasn’t until late on a Friday night, after several glasses of scotch that I scanned through the “special” file for a few sexy shots of Sarah. In the end I selected three; the first was recent and showed her in a bikini and illustrated how well she had stayed in shape; the second was about three years old and was taken over her right shoulder as she sat on the ground in thigh high stockings and a thing. Her breasts were bare and her nipples were erect but from the angle of the picture her face was not shown; in the third she was also about three years old and showed her standing nude in front of a window with light streaming through thin, closed curtains. It showed her tight backside but again her face was not exposed.

As soon as I hit the send button, I began rationalizing that the pictures would not be damaging and relatively uninteresting from an internet perspective. It took almost a week for Malcolm to reply and he did so simply.

Nice pics. Thursday at the same bar. …….Malcolm

That was on a Tuesday and I spent the next two days in a strange mixture of anticipation and dread. Like a moth that can’t stay away from the flame I could not break away and leave this thing alone even with my brain screaming at me.

Thursday I showed up at the bar at 5:30 PM and sat their nursing my beer waiting. After an hour and a half, I was just about to leave when Malcolm strode into the room. Dressed in expensive slacks and a tight silk shirt I saw several young women look up to admire his 6’1″ frame.

“Hey man, how ya been?” He said with ease counter to my tense state.

“I’ve been good thanks.” I replied.

“How about that beautiful wife? Time’s been good to her. She doing okay?” He asked.

“She’s fine.” I said not sure what else to say.

“Okay, dude. It’s your dime. Ask your questions.” He said getting right to business.

“Well uh…okay. Well did you leave the lake party with her?” I asked nervously.

“Yeah, we left together.” He replied like a witness on the stand adding no details.

“Okay, well where did you go?” I followed.

“Went to a party at the house.” He quickly answered and I could tell he was purposefully going to make me go through every detail.

“What house?” I asked.

“The team had this house to party at and to take girls. Some old rich guy set it up for the team.” He explained adding a little detail this time.

“So what happened?” I said trying to get him to open up with a less specific question.

“We partied.” He replied with a grin.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked now growing frustrated.

“Look dude what the hell do you think happened? You think everyone was sitting around playing cards?” He asked me annoyed at my lack of understanding.

“I don’t know it why I’m asking.” I replied.

I think he must have accepted my naiveté and sincerity because he sighed heavily then began speaking.

“Okay, look. We went to the house and there were half a dozen guys there with girls and we drank for a while then went to a room. We started kissing and playing but she got nervous when another couple came in and got into the other bed.” He explained to me as my brain started pounding.

“I see. So she had her clothes on?” I asked.

“Panties.” Was his one word answer. “So, then she left and went home.” I asked hoping this was the end.

“No, man. We fell asleep for a while. Then the other guy and girl started fucking again and she got into it.” He said.

“What do you mean? The other girl got into it?” I asked now confused.

“Sarah got into it.” He replied.

“What do you mean? Can’t you just tell me what happened?” I asked fearing the answer but having to know.

“What the fuck man? You want every little detail?” He asked with a strange look.

“Yeah, give me the details.” I answered not able to look at him.

“When the other couple woke me up I kissed Sarah to see if she was awake and she was. I slipped my hand into her panties and she was damn wet. I pushed her panties off her and started licking her nipples and kissing her and fingering her until she was hot then rolled on top and got some.” He said as I sat there in shock.

“You fucked her.” I said more than asked.

“Oh yeah. Was damn good pussy too. Damn good.” He offered.

I sat there in silence trying to collect my thoughts and only partially heard the waitress come by asking about drinks. Malcolm ordered another round and when the waitress left we continued.

“So then she left?” I asked with hope.

“No man. We went at it couple times then went over to her apartment and did it some more. Probably was you that made her get out of bed.” He said now grinning openly.

My ears were ringing and my head was pounding from the news about Sarah. After all these years, the information I was getting, if true, indicated that I didn’t know my wife, the love of my life, anywhere near as much as I thought. I rationalized that I had messed with her head when I had broken up with her and after all it was only one night in almost 40 years of togetherness. It was only when Malcolm’s next bomb fall that my world completely collapsed.

“So, I guess you left and haven’t seen her again.” I said assuming the ending to the story.

“No man. We kept seeing each other for a couple months.” He said with a smile now seemingly enjoying my pain.

“That’s bullshit. We got back together.” I blurted out at him.

“Yeah you were taking her out but I was the one fucking her. She liked this.” He laughed and grabbed the side of his thigh. When I sat there dumfounded with no response he added “Nothing like a beautiful and nasty woman.”

“Nasty?” The word demanding an explanation.

“Yeah she got her a reputation at that house for liking to be watched. She would get to screaming and people would come and watch.” He chuckled.

I was now taking deep breaths trying to keep my composure and not throw up. But, it was important now to hear everything.

“When did she quit seeing you?” I asked meekly.

“She went and got knocked up. I told her I didn’t need that hassle.” He said bluntly.

“Knocked up? Pregnant?” I asked the last of my world now crumbling.

“Yeah, she went and got pregnant. She was supposed to get on the pill but waited too long.” He said.

Sarah and I had always used condoms as she didn’t like the thought of hormones being added to her body.

“Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this. You mean she got an abortion?” I tried to clarify.

“I told her I didn’t want a family and it was time to move on. I don’t know what happened after that.” He explained.

“A family? She wanted to have the baby?” I asked now almost crying.

“Yeah she had some crazy idea about getting married.” He said shaking his head.

My head was spinning and I needed to get out of there and collect my thoughts so I got up but one question came out before I walked away.

“How do you remember so much about something that happened twenty something years ago?” I questioned him.

“Dude, a black man always remembers his first white woman.” He replied without hesitation.

I left the bar that evening and drove home in a complete daze. Sarah met me at the back door and I had to feign illness to explain my physical state. I went to my study and closed the door and stared at the wall for over an hour before Sarah came in to check on me and brought some tea.

“Honey, what’s wrong? Are you getting a cold?” Sarah asked in that voice that had always melted me.

“I’ll be okay just feeling a bit off.” I lied trying to assure her so I could return to my brooding.

Sarah stroked my hair before silently leaving, closing the door softly behind her. I couldn’t reconcile Malcolm’s descriptions to the sweet loving wife that I knew but for some strange reason I knew his information was true.

Thinking back, certain things held together with Malcolm’s story. After Sarah and I had gotten back together, there remained a distance between us and we did not become intimate again for months. I thought it was her punishing me and making me regain her trust but it seems in fact that she was instead carrying on a torrid sexual affair with Malcolm. Then there was the pregnancy. A man impregnating another man’s woman is almost like castration. I would have to look at Sarah for the rest of my life knowing another man was the first to fill her womb.

Then there was the exhibitionism. Thinking back on our life together, there had been times that Sarah had acted a bit risqué. Things like selecting a very revealing bikini, wanting to have sex with the window open at the beach or having her nipples poking through a thin top came to mind. In all these cases, I stopped her and told her my wife shouldn’t act so bold. Were these signs of the hidden desires Malcolm had found?

The next week was difficult. I felt betrayed and humiliated and wondered what I really knew about my wife. Were there others? Was I in fact an unwitting cuckold as Sarah jumped from bed to bed?

Sarah sensed something was wrong but certainly wouldn’t think I had uncovered her college affair after all these years. She remained concerned about my well being and tried to be loving and intimate but in my state I turned her down repeatedly. I also turned down her offers to talk which caused her to become frustrated.

At first, I didn’t want anything more to do with Malcolm and ignored his repeated attempts to contact me. His news had wrecked my world. But, after a few weeks I found that I still had questions that were unresolved and that old feeling of obsession came back. I responded to one of his email and suggested we meet again knowing I had to see his face while he gave out the information even if it was painful. Malcolm replied the next day that he could meet the following day at the bar.

I got there first and went to the same table and waited for almost an hour until he arrived. After saying our hellos and ordering drinks I began asking questions. Fortunately, this time I was emotionally prepared and stayed in control.

“Malcolm, I’ve thought a lot about what you told me and I guess that some of it may be true but some of it I don’t believe. You know it’s important to me that I get the truth with no exaggeration. You seem like a decent guy so please tell me the truth.” I said trying to sound condescending.

“Everything I told you was true.” He said with no emotion which disturbed me.

“I’m sorry but I just don’t see Sarah giving herself so completely and easily to you. She was raised well and she has always been in love with me.” I challenged him.

“So, what’s your questions?” He said now annoyed.

“How many times were you with her?” I started.

“I told you it went on for a couple months I don’t remember the number of times. It was a lot.” He replied.

“How come no one ever saw you or told me? She had a roommate and back then a white girl with a black man was a big deal. I would have heard something.” I asked quickly.

“Dude, you don’t get it. There were places all over town for football players to take girls to fuck. We fucked in her apartment when her roommate was gone too.” He explained.

“And I’m supposed to believe you dumped her? That you impregnated her up and told her to get lost?” I answered now getting a little emotional.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m telling you. You see I that pussy was mine in every way. You only got her cause I gave her back to you when I was done.” He said with a hard angry look.

Our discussion had escalated and become heated so quickly that my specific questions had been forgotten. I could tell that Malcolm had become extremely irritated and was now hitting his drink hard. He looked at me and I looked him in silence for almost a minute before he finally spoke.

“How sure are you of your feelings?” He asked smiling having seemingly regained his composure.

“I’m sure.” I answered even though I was not sure at all.

“Then why don’t you arrange Sarah and me to meet and we’ll see what happens.” He replied leaning back in his chair and looking proud of himself.

I sat there in stunned silence his suggestion hitting me completely cold. I knew that if I declined he would have proved his point. Conversely, I was not as sure of my position as I had tried to appear and was nervous about the potential impact.

“What’s wrong asshole. Not so sure now?” He said goading me.

“I don’t want her to have to re-live a bad memory.” I replied weakly.

“Well I suppose you would find out pretty quick if it’s bad.” He laughed. When I didn’t reply he continued. “You just tell me next time she is going out without you to a club or restaurant with friends and I’ll show up. Let’s see what happens or if she comes back and tells you.” He suggested.

Malcolm knew he had me on the ropes and my inability to respond only fueled his arrogance.

“Cat got your tongue? Not sure of things now I see?” He poked at me.

The bastard had boxed me in and he knew it.

“I’ll think about it.” Was my lame reply.

“Well you do that now boy. But next time you contact me it better be with a time and location. I’m a busy man.” He said laughing openly.

We left soon after with his taunts ringing in my ear. This time he made sure I picked up the check since last time I had left it with him.

I learned that it’s very difficult to live with someone when you aren’t sure you know them. This was a completely new feeling for me since we had been together for so long. Over the next couple weeks my emotions went all over the map. There was disbelief that my darling was capable of doing anything he described. There was anger at her for being with another and hiding it from me for all these years and there was also my own self-loathing for dredging this issue up after all this time.

I tried to hide my distrust but Sarah sensed my distance from her and tried to reach out. I forced myself to be responsive and civil but it was difficult. I knew as long as there was this unresolved situation we could never completely reconnect. With this on my mind I sent Malcolm a short, terse email.

Iberia Restaurant and Bar, 7:00 PM, Friday.

I received no reply.

Sarah was going out to dinner with two of her girlfriends at this very nice upscale restaurant. It was the perfect location for her to dismiss him and prove him wrong so we could get on with our life. The only problem was going to be for me to find a location from where to witness the interaction. The front of the restaurant had large floor to ceiling windows but was also a busy place with valets parking cars. A man peering into the window would certainly attract attention. It was Tuesday when I sent the email and I decided I would visit the place on Thursday to scout for spying locations.

Thursday came and I went by the restaurant about 6:30 PM just as the sun was setting. I found that the bar had a separate entrance and from a shared hallway to the bathroom I could watch the dining area without being seen. The only concern I had was that my wife’s party and Malcolm not be in the bar when I arrived.

My wife looked great when she left for the restaurant at 6:30 PM. She was dressed in a black cocktail dress and had put her hair up. At any other time, I would have held her and kissed her before she went out with her friends. Sarah hung around for a few minutes wanting the hug but I avoided her because of my confusion until she eventually left.

I knew her reservation was for 7:00 PM but still I waited until 7:15 before following her in case they decided to spend some time in the bar first. When I arrived, the bar was maybe a third full and I ordered a double scotch and soda before easing into the shared hallway to look for Sarah and Malcolm.

Sarah and her friends were seated at a table for four in the middle of the room. She was seated so that I was to her right and after scanning the room I saw that Malcolm was seated with another man at a table for two over her left shoulder. Malcolm was able to look directly at her from his position but Sarah would have to consciously turn and look to see him.

Malcolm was making no effort to hide his looks. Even from my distance I could see the animal hunger in his stares. I wasn’t sure if Sarah had seen or recognized him until I saw her head slightly turn then quickly turn back as if she caught herself and with force refused to look. I could also see that she was sipping her wine quickly and was struggling to stay in the conversation with her friends.

I couldn’t stay in the hall for long so I went back to the bar and sipped my drink timing myself to take a look every ten minutes. The looks were all the same until an hour later when the girls were having dessert. I went into the hall and looked into the room to find Malcolm standing next to the table chatting with the girls. I could tell that Sarah was extremely nervous and I stayed in the hall as long as I dared and watched Malcolm laying on his charm.

Ten minutes later I was back and Malcolm was back at his table. I could see that the girls were whispering to Sarah who was acting aloof. I watched until the waiter brought the check then went back into the bar and settled my bill. The bartender was helping others and it was a few minutes before I was able to pay up and leave. Returning to the hall, I saw that both the girl’s and Malcolm’s table were empty. Turning, I went back though the bar and then outside walking towards my car when I saw Malcolm with Sarah in between cars in the back of the parking lot. It was normal for Sarah to valet so it appeared she had followed Malcolm to his car.

Moving quickly into the shadows, I found a spot to watch them. They talked standing closely to each other for several minutes before Malcolm looped his arm around Sarah and pulled her close to him. Twice I saw her turn her head as he tried to kiss her. On the third attempt, their lips made contact and then I watched as her arms circled his shoulders and their lips fought as they passionately kissed.

I stood deflated in the dark watching Malcolm prove that all his words were true. Soon, he had Sarah backed against a car and with his large frame she completely disappeared from my view. For the next fifteen minutes Sarah was behind Malcolm. Finally, I saw her appear and move to one side before kissing him quickly and walking towards the front of the restaurant. Malcolm looked around the lot then opened the door to the car, started it and drove away.

I rushed to my car and raced home to beat Sarah arriving five minutes ahead. I changed into shorts and a t-shirt and sat sprawled on the couch feigning half-sleep as the TV blared. Sarah walked in looking nervous and went straight to the bedroom pausing only to say hi as she swept past.

Five minutes later she was back snuggling at my side oblivious to the fact that I knew whose lips she had been kissing less than an hour before. She pulled my arm around her and despite my confused emotions I didn’t fight her. As she snuggled closer her robe came undone and I could tell that she was naked underneath. Despite my anger, Sarah’s body was too beautiful and warm to resist and I soon found fondling her breasts and then lower. My lips met hers and they’re softness made me forget that they had recently been kissing the mouth of a black man.

We soon went to bed and made awkward love to each other both of us with thoughts on our minds other than our love making. Still, it felt good and falling asleep in each other’s arms was good as well.

Despite our intimacy, my mind was in turmoil. Malcolm had shown that there was a relationship that was real and powerful and brought strong credibility to his story. I expected an email or a call from him the next day but it was two days later when he finally communicated via email.

Hope you saw. Meet at the bar tomorrow…..Malcolm

I was there at 6:00 PM and Malcolm made me wait like I knew he would. Malcolm sauntered in a little after seven trying to put me on the defensive. He flopped his muscular body into a chair acting cocky and superior.

“Well I’m sure you were there somewhere watching your wife.” He said smiling.

When I didn’t respond after several seconds he took it upon himself to keep talking.

“Your lovely wife and I caught up on old times in the parking lot.” He informed me now openly trying to provoke.

“I saw you talking to the girls and I saw you talking to her in the parking lot.” I acknowledged.

“Then you know I was telling you the truth.” He told me.

“Well I saw that you knew each other. Not much more than that.” I replied denying what I knew was true.

Malcolm stared at me for a while before speaking.

“You know motherfucker I thought you would act this way.” He said to me as he threw onto the table a pair of red lacy panties that had been wadded in his pocket and I knew immediately they were Sarah’s. While I sat there shocked he added. “Got to feel her wet pussy when I took these off too.”

I started to come out of my chair aggressively but before I was all the way up Malcolm shoved his large right hand into my chest and knocked me back. It happened so fast I was disoriented for several seconds.

“You fucking asshole.” I said loudly.

“You better be careful, man.” Malcolm replied calmly. “Better be careful.”

Others in the bar were now looking over so I took some deep breaths and tried to get control of myself.

“What did she say to you?” I asked my façade of denial now completely gone.

Malcolm sensing victory smiled broadly then spoke. “Well of course she was surprised to see me and she was being a bit standoffish until I pulled her to me and kissed her. That woman sure can kiss.”

After stopping for my reaction and getting nothing he continued.

“She wanted to talk but I preferred kissing. She saw it my way pretty quick.” He said laughing. Then he continued as I glared. “She tried to fight it but when I rolled her nipple in my fingers she gave up.”

“Then she left.” I said trying to salvage some dignity.

“Yeah, she left. After we swapped numbers.” He laughed.

“I don’t want you calling her.” I demanded seething.

A huge smile crossed Malcolm’s face and he pulled out his cell phone and clicked on the buttons until he had the screen showing a list of phone numbers then asked. “Recognize two of those?”

As he held it to my face I could see that Sarah’s cell number appeared twice. My stomach fell to my knees and I realized with little doubt that Malcolm had told the truth and that Sarah was apparently still interested.

“Please leave her alone.” I asked now openly pleading. “We have a good life. Please don’t ruin it.”

“Well asshole. You’re singing a different tune now.” He replied seeking my complete capitulation.

“You’ve proved you were right. Can’t you just let it go?” I said almost begging.

“Well for all my trouble don’t you think I deserve some pussy? You know, for old time’s sake?” He taunted.

“No Malcolm. Please don’t go there. What if I go to her and tell her I know?” I replied trying to find a line of reason.

Malcolm laughed loudly then answered. “Dude to do that you got to admit to her you set her up. You fucked yourself.”

I could think of no immediate answer to his statement and I sat there confused and silent as Malcolm stared at me with a wry smile.

Finally I spoke and asked him. “What do you want to leave us alone? Money?”

“You have a goddamn ability to piss me off.” Malcolm answered. “I told you I want some of that sweet pussy and you know I can get it too.”

I knew that Malcolm’s words were true. From what I saw in the parking lot, he would be able to get Sarah in bed if left alone and I theorized that I had only two chances at saving my marriage. The first would be to come clean with Sarah and tell her the whole story about talking to Malcolm and testing her fidelity. I cringed at the prospects of her likely reaction and the damage it would do to our relationship. The second would be to convince Malcolm to leave her alone and it seemed that the only way he would consider this would be after first getting her in bed.

“I’ve got to think things through. Please leave her alone.” I finally said.

“I’ll give you some time but not much. Better get back to me quick.” He replied after a brief hesitation.

I spent the next two days after our meeting thinking and re-thinking my options and the potential outcomes. After all the soul searching I had pretty much decided to sit Sarah down and put all the cards on the table and try to get her to understand and talk. It really was the only logical course of action that would support a healthy marriage. My plan was to try to have the discussion on the upcoming Friday evening after we had shared a bottle of wine.

Unfortunately, that discussion never happened. Right after lunch on Friday I was checking my personal email when I saw one from Malcolm. Opening it immediately, there was simply the word “enjoy” with six video clips attached. I shivered when I saw these and actually thought about deleting the email without looking but in the end I knew I had to see.

All together, there was 61:46 minutes of video. I closed my office door and watched them one at a time in silence knowing my marriage would never be the same.

The video started with an empty bedroom with a king size bed illuminated by dim light and soft jazz music playing. The camera was placed across from the foot of the bed and showed a zebra skin patterned bedspread. At the 8:32 mark in the video, Malcolm came into view followed by Sarah wearing the outfit she had on when she left the house to meet a girlfriend for a movie the previous night.

Malcolm sat her down at the foot of the bed and from her behavior I guessed she had no idea she was being filmed. They began kissing softly and in addition to the music I could hear the smacking of their lips and the soft moans as they embraced.

Malcolm suddenly broke their embrace and walked to a stuffed leather chair in the corner of the room right at the edge of the camera view.

“Come over here and do the striptease for me like you used to do baby.” He told Sarah.

Sarah sat still on the edge of the bed and for a moment I thought there might be a chance she would resist. But, she soon stood and with a slow movement she walked till she was standing between his outstretched legs. She began swaying to the music running her hands over her hips.

“Why do you have this power over me?” She said softly.

“Hasn’t changed has it?” Malcolm answered.

“It’s not right. I’m married now.” She replied but kept swaying.

“Baby, you can always leave.” He answered her confidently.

Sarah’s back was to me so I could see her face but regardless she kept dancing and I saw her hands begin to pull her white blouse from the waist of her navy skirt. When the blouse was free she unzipped her skirt and let it drop to her feet then stepped from it never losing her rhythm to the jazz. The blouse came off next and in only a few short minutes my wife of many years and the mother of my children was standing in her bra and thong in front of a this old lover.

For the next five minutes she danced like a stripper giving a lap dance teasing and rubbing her body over his. Malcolm reached his limit and pulled her onto his lap and began kissing her again. With his right hand he pushed her bra up freeing her breasts and then began massaging them. Sarah’s moans were quickly turning to whines and she started working on the buttons of his shirt.

When Sarah finished with Malcolm’s shirt he unsnapped her bra and then pulled her thong down until only her low heels were still on. His hands were all over her and the video showed her body writhing in response to his attention.

Malcolm stood picking her up easily in his arms at the same time and laid her on the edge of the bed then began undressing. He slipped his shirt off and unbuttoned and dropped his slacks then followed with his boxers exposing his large semi-hard uncut cock. As he stepped out of his slacks and boxers, Sarah dropped onto her knees in front of him and inhaled his cock.

“Oh baby, you still know how to suck cock.” Malcolm exclaimed as he placed his hands on the back of her head.

I watched as she sucked him with a passion and enthusiasm I had never experienced.

Malcolm’s hips began rotating his hips and giving soft grunts and sounds of encouragement as she worked. They continued for several minutes until he seemed to have had enough and pulled her off his now hard and extended cock and lifted her back onto the zebra bedspread.

Malcolm climbed over her almost completely blocking her from view. He seemed to be kissing her and licking her breasts with only the sounds of her moans and mews available to me.

Malcolm moved his ass back and I could tell he was positioning himself to enter Sarah. They fumbled for a few seconds before I saw his ass clench and him rock forward on his knees.

“Oh, God yes!” Sarah screamed her legs wrapping around his waist.

“Damn baby your pussy is still hot. You still like this big cock?” Malcolm asked her as he picked up speed.

“Yes baby, yes.” She panted in reply.

I sat in my office sobbing and watched Malcolm fuck my wife. They started with high intensity and it only grew from there. As Malcolm picked up speed, I could hear the wetness of their bodies slapping together.

Sweat was rolling off Malcolm’s back when I heard Sarah’s voice.

“Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.” She repeated in unison with his deep thrusts.

Soon, I recognized the telltale signs of Sarah’s approaching climax. Her fingernails started digging into his shoulders and her legs lifted until her feet were pointed straight up.

“Don’t stop, please don’t stop.” She demanded and I knew she was very close.

“Damn, baby I’m about to bust a nut.” Malcolm gasped and I suddenly realized he was in her unprotected.

“Ohhh, ohhhh, ohhh, don’t stop, don’t stop!” Sarah exclaimed as her orgasm hit. Her hands went to Malcolm’s ass pulling him deeper inside and her feet began wildly kicking into the air.

Malcolm was close behind and as her orgasm faded his hit full force. “Oh shit, motherfucker, here it comes baby.” He yelled as his movements became erratic.

They continued in a rolling rhythm for several minutes making soft sounds of passion as they came off their peak. Eventually, the movements stopped and Malcolm lay over her body with his cock still firmly inside.

I sat staring at the screen wondering where my life and marriage were going. This woman in the video didn’t seem to be anything like the child, girl and woman I had known all these years. I couldn’t reconcile her actions with the woman I loved. Could I have been so in the dark? So wrong about who she was and what she was about? She was still a very fertile woman and this black man had just ejaculated inside her. What was she thinking?

When he had caught his breath, Malcolm rolled over beside Sarah and I got a full view. Sarah’s hair and body were wet with perspiration and she was still breathing deeply. Her skin had a rosy hue and on her breasts there appeared to be several hickeys. Her legs were still open and I could see her pussy was very wet and open. Malcolm pulled her into his arms and they began cuddling and kissing which went on for several minutes.

It wasn’t long before Malcolm re-centered himself on the bed and rolled Sarah on top of him. I thought he was going to put himself back inside her but instead he grabbed her ass cheeks with both his large hands and spread them so that she was exposed to the camera. The effect was to open her pussy lips and I realized his intent when a large wad of his cum appeared at her opening and slowly dripped onto his balls. When he felt it I saw him smile and then lift her onto his cock. He began fucking her again and then took his right index finger and rubbed it over her then pushed it slowly into her ass. In all our years together, I had never touched her butt with my fingers or my cock.

Sarah began to wiggle on his cock and finger and pick up speed when the video suddenly came to an end.

Changes that occur between people in relationships usually occur over a long period of time. In my case, my entire world had changed in a few short weeks destroying a perception that had been built since childhood. Worse still, I had instigated the events unable to let old situations remain distant memories.

I recalled our breakfast that morning and her being in her normal upbeat way giving not a hint of her indiscretions. It angered me to know that she could so cavalierly violate our vows with no guilt. I had never touched Sarah in anger in our entire time together but at that moment I knew that if she was before me I could not keep myself from striking her.

As I sat there contemplating the new reality, spinning between anger and my own remorse for opening Pandora’s Box, I wondered what life was going to be like from now on. Could I stay with her? Did she want to stay with me? Would Malcolm leave our world now that he had taken her again or was this a situation soon to be filled with drama? And what about our children? What would they think about their blessed mom if they knew the truth?

I arrived home before Sarah that evening and was sipping bourbon on the patio when she got home bright eyes and smiling. I couldn’t help but think she was still basking in the afterglow of the hard fucking she had received the previous night.

“Hi honey. I’m going to get a glass of wine do you want another drink?’ Sarah said smiling.

“Sure, it’s bourbon.” I replied seething inside but forcing myself to put on a good face.

Sarah fixed the drinks then came out to the patio having shed her shoes and sat opposite me putting her feet in my lap.

“Let’s go out to eat tonight. I heard the new French place on Holcombe is good.” Sarah suggested. “Are you okay?” She followed when her word only resulted in a disinterested nod from me.

“I’m fine. Just a bit tired.” I lied.

“Okay, can we go? We can go early.” She persisted.

“That’s fine.” I replied.

Sarah chatted and I listened while she drank her wine then she announced she was going to change and left. I sat brooding for a few more minutes then, the thought of her body bearing the marks of Malcolm’s sex, piqued my interest and I walked towards our bedroom hoping to see some evidence.

Our bedroom has “his and her” bathrooms with her large clothes closet within. As I approached, I could see that the door was not completely closed. There was about a quarter inch crack that provided a nice opportunity to spy if I was careful. I opened the door to my bathroom quietly to provide an escape path if necessary then inched quietly to the door peering inside.

Sarah was sitting in front of her mirror in just a thong playing with her makeup. As the video had suggested, her breasts were covered in hickeys from Malcolm’s sucking. She didn’t seem to be concerned and I put it down to the fact that I had almost never entered her bathroom in all our years of marriage treating it almost like her sanctuary.

Soon, she stood and went into her closet then reappeared completely naked. I caught my breath to stifle a gasp when I saw her pelvis. Sarah had adopted the fashion of shaving herself smooth so I had a good view. She had bruises on the inside of her thighs and her labia, which had before looked like a teenagers even after two kids, was red and swollen. Standing in front of me was all the evidence I needed to prove her infidelity.

Rather than confront, I started to change my clothes deciding to put any confrontation off until I had thought the matter through. I was finished and in the den having another drink when Sarah finished changing and primping. As usual, she looked stunning and I wondered what my life would be like with her gone.

The dinner was good but I barely noticed and was a lousy conversationalist which Sarah picked up on quickly. Instead of chatting, my time was spent knocking back the better part of a good Chateauneuf du pape. In fact, Sarah, realizing how much I had to drink, drove us home.

Back in our house, I opened a bottle of Cabernet and poured myself another big glass.

“Sweetheart, are you okay? You’re barely talking and drinking a lot. Way more than normal. What’s wrong?” She asked still oblivious to the reason.

“Why don’t you do a striptease foe me?” I said to her as I flopped down in a big leather chair and I saw in her eyes a moment of panic from which she quickly recovered.

“I don’t think you would be up to it tonight.” She responded.

“Come on darling strip for me. Turn on the jazz station.” I said now a bit more demanding.

“Not tonight honey. I’m not feeling that great. I think I got some bad food at the restaurant.” She replied now clearly lying.

“Sarah. Strip.” I demanded.

Sarah looked at me with an odd expression and a sense of knowing yet bewilderment on how I would know. After a few moments, she tried to break the tension by walking away.

“You can either strip or I’ll tear them off you.” I said as she turned her back to me.

“What is going on with you?” She said her voice now rising.

It was definitely out of character for me to treat her this way but my anger and the alcohol had combined and I was not going to back down.

“I want to see you standing in front of me naked so get those clothes off.” I said sternly.

“I’m leaving. You’ve gone crazy and I don’t want to be here.” She exclaimed and went to pick up her purse.

“Sarah, if you want to remain married you better take off those clothes.” I said to her with an air of calm and confidence that surprised me.

Sarah looked at me with tears welling in her eyes and her lips quivering. There was a long period of silence as we stared in each other’s eyes. Going through my mind were all the times together dating back to childhood that now might be ending right before me and it felt as if my heart was being shredded by some unseen beast.

“I can’t.” She finally answered now crying her eyes begging for sympathy.

“Take them off.” I replied offering no alternative.

“How do you know.” She said her hand reaching at the button of her blouse but shaking too hard to release it.

“Get them off.” I had never been this forceful with Sarah in my life and her humiliation was paining in me but my feelings of betrayal were even stronger.

Slowly, piece by piece, she shed her clothes. First was her blouse followed by her skirt and then her bra and thong until she was completely nude. Her tears had caused her mascara to run down her cheeks and her body was heaving in convulsions as she sobbed.

Of course, I knew what I was going to see and she knew that her body told the story of her adultery.

“I’m sorry.” She gasped out between sobs.

I sat there without speaking wanting to humiliate her and have her feel the pain I was feeling but deep inside she was still my baby, the love of my life, and the sight of her pain got to me.

“Sit down.” I said to her which she immediately did providing her some measure of modesty.

“Now tell me about it.” I commanded her.

It took her almost an hour between her breakdowns to cry but eventually the whole story came out. To her credit, she was honest and inclusive of the details going back to college and ending on the previous day. That is, except for the pregnancy.

“Are you going to leave me?” She said when she had run out of tears.

“Are you in love with him?” I asked sincerely.

“No, of course not. It was just a fling.” She replied and her points for honesty quickly vanished.

“Do you want to be married to me?” I asked and even in my drunken and angered state I hoped that she would say yes.

“Yes, of course.” She replied instantaneously which caused me great relief despite her indiscretions.

“Then go to bed Sarah. We can finish the conversation tomorrow.” I told her.

“Please come to bed with me. I need you next to me.” She pleaded.

“No, I don’t want to. I’ll be up later.” I said to her and she was wise enough not to argue but gathered her things and left looking at me over her shoulder as she walked away.

Despite her affair and the video I was actually feeling pretty good about things. I poured myself another drink and switched on the jazz station I liked and settled back in the leather chair.

I was sipping my drink when the radio started hissing and cracking in a familiar way. It was the sound it made when someone texted with their Blackberry. I knew immediately that she was reaching out to Malcolm and my stomach sank.

The next few days were very tense as you would expect. Sarah was quiet and mostly avoided eye contact. On the few occasions we locked eyes, I could see the pain and longing in her eyes and knew she was hoping I would reach out. My psyche had been badly damaged and I refused to engage with her and instead stayed silent both with my words and my body language.

Malcolm tried repeatedly to call and at first I ignored him but I realized that if he told Sarah that we had been in contact our marriage, or what was left of it, would be over. I had to take the call but it was very difficult.

“Meet me at the bar at 5:30 PM.” He quickly said then hung up.

He was there when I walked in and I walked to the table. The waitress met me one I got there and after ordering beers he started.

“I hear you decided to cause a scene, asshole.” He spit out as soon as I answered.

“I want you to just disappear from our life. Can’t you just do that?” I pleaded to him.

“No, I fucking can’t do that. I like that pussy too damn much. You’re the one that got this all started and you better be thinking what the hell you are going to do if I tell her that.” He said explaining to me that he knew he held the power.

The look on my face told him all he needed to know and I sat there for several long moments searching for words before he spoke again.

“You know you’re fucked if she finds out. What do you think she would do? Walk out on you maybe?” He said taunting me.

“What do you want? How does this end?” I finally said.

“I think I should get some more of her for a time. Till it gets old which usually doesn’t take too long for me.” He said laughing.

We had to pause while the waitress set the bottles and I paid.

“This is a nightmare. I can’t have you seeing Sarah. God don’t you realize how bad this is?” I pleaded almost in tears.

“You got no choice. I can fuck her or I can tell her what you did. Hell I might still get to fuck her.” Was his reply showing I had no hope of finding any sympathy.

“Well then I’ll just tell her the truth and take my chances.” I said standing and leaving while he smirked.

Driving home I bounced between the relief that truth provides and the fear of her reaction at my actions. Sarah was there when I arrived and when I got close I could see she had been crying.

“I’m so sorry at what I’ve done. I’m so sorry. Tell me what to do to make things right? I’ll do anything.” She said breaking down in tears as she spoke.

I couldn’t say anything now to explain it had all been my fault. The potential consequences were much too high so I stood there silently trying to find some words, something to say, to deflate her emotions while I tried to find a solution. Sarah took my silence as anger and judgment and began crying harder.

“Sarah, we all make mistakes. I need some time to think it through. Calm down. Things will work out.” I said choosing my words as best I could.

Sarah, still crying, embraced me and I pulled my head into my shoulder as she sobbed. All our lives, any pain she suffered seemed to transfer to me a hundred times fold and my knees actually got weak as we stood there.

The next day Malcolm called wanting to know how the discussion had gone.

“So I can call her now and she knows everything, right?” He said immediately starting on me.

“I haven’t told her yet.” I replied.

“Man, you are so fucked. If you don’t tell her by the end of today then I will and I have the emails and texts as proof.” He said laughing hard.

“You can’t do that now. It will ruin our marriage.” I said immediately realizing my words were pointless.

“Then fix the problem, asshole.” He said now with an edge to his voice.

“By doing what?” I yelled into the phone.

“Whatever it takes. But she better be fucking me by this weekend.” He said and hung up.

After the call, I left work and went to the bar and spent the afternoon drinking and thinking. A hundred ideas came to me all quickly discarded. I knew I was checkmated and I knew that Malcolm realized it too. When I left the bar to go home I had prepared myself for the hardest conversation I would probably ever have in my life.

Sarah had the table set with candles and was clearly trying to set a romantic mood. Her efforts were only going to make my conversation even more difficult. I sat and picked up the glass of wine she had poured while she busied herself with the final dinner preparations.

“I broiled salmon. Hope that’s okay.” She called from the kitchen.

“Sounds great” I said with false enthusiasm.

We had insignificant chit chat as she brought out the food and sat down. There was a definite tension in the air made more acute by the subject I had to bring up. Several times I started only to get cold feet and stop but finally with a drink of wine and a shudder I started.

“Sarah, I really would like to know about the guy. Why he was appealing.” I forced out.

I could see she was unprepared for this conversation.

“What do you mean? I explained how I knew him.” She answered with true confusion.

“I mean the sex. Was it different?” I asked forcing myself not to break eye contact.

There was a long pause and I thought for a moment that she wasn’t going to answer but she finally spoke.

“It’s different between a husband and wife. More caring.” She explained.

“Meaning with him it’s more passionate?” I said almost losing my temper.

“That’s not what I said.” She replied.

“But you enjoyed it?” I asked.

“Yes, I enjoyed it.” She said after another long pause while looking at her hands.

“And if I wouldn’t have found out you would still be seeing him.” Which was a statement not a question.

“I love you not him.” She answered.

“That’s not what I said.” I shot back.

“Perhaps. I don’t know.” She answered now getting flustered.

I let the conversation lapse for several minutes and Sarah was happy to let it drop too. We picked at our food silently while I summoned my courage.

“I want you to keep seeing him.” I finally said.

The look on Sarah’s face was equal parts shock and confusion.

“I don’t understand.” She replied.

“I want you to keep him as a lover.” I answered wondering whether she would get angry.

“I don’t want him I want you.” She quickly said.

“I’m not asking you to choose. You can have both.” I explained.

“Why? Are you trying to set me up for a divorce? Please tell me you don’t want that.” She asked starting to tear up.

“No, not at all. I want you to explore your sexuality I guess is what I mean.” I said to her thinking for some rationale that would sell since I couldn’t tell the truth.

She didn’t reply and it seemed like five minutes passed before she spoke.

“You don’t love me anymore, do you? She asked with sad eyes.

“Of course I love you. This is for you.” I said to her trying to be upbeat.

“I don’t know honey this is all very odd.” She replied.

“Do you have his number in your cell phone?” I asked changing tactics.

“Yes.” She answered with shame.

“Give me your phone.” I demanded and she reluctantly handed it over.

I hit the entry for Malcolm and after three rings he answered.

“Hi baby, couldn’t stay away?” He said thinking it was Sarah.

“Malcolm, this is Sarah’s husband.” I informed him then went on to suggest he come over so we could all talk about the situation. Malcolm picked up on where I was going and immediately agreed.

“Please don’t start a fight.” She said unaware of the true nature of events.

“I promise I won’t. I want us to talk about this though.” I explained.

Twenty minutes later the door bell rang and standing there was Malcolm. With a wink, he extended his hand and we pretended to meet each other while Sarah stood several steps back. Malcolm stepped forward and kissed Sarah on the hand. I asked him what he wanted to drink and five minutes later we were sitting in the living room, Sarah and I drinking wine and Malcolm drinking bourbon. Malcolm and I were sitting in large leather chairs near to each other and Sarah has selected a chair across the room.

“Well I guess you might find it strange that I would request you to come over?” I said to break the ice.

“Well it is interesting.” He replied letting me keep the lead.

“What do you think of Sarah?” I asked.

“Beautiful lady who is very special.” He answered without hesitation and even in the dim light I could see Sarah blush.

“What would you say if I told you I gave her permission to continue the relationship with you?” I asked.

“I would say you’re a wise man who loves his wife dearly.” He said a smile crossing his face. “What was her answer? Does she want to continue?” Malcolm continued before anyone could speak.

Both of us turned to look at Sarah who became very nervous darting her eyes between us and the floor.

“I..I’m not sure” she stammered.

“Why, baby.” Malcolm asked in a familiar way that made me cringe.

“It’s too complicated.” She answered after a brief hesitation.

“It won’t be complicated. You can meet periodically. All I ask is that you meet in our home so I know it’s safe and that you use protection.” I informed them.

I could see Malcolm frown for a second when I described the rules but he said nothing. All eyes were on Sarah who continued to fidget.

“I’m going to my study to do some work.” I announced after several moments of silence.

As I stood to leave, glancing one way I could see Malcolm hiding a grin and in the other direction Sarah with a look of fear. I left the room and went to my study and sat staring at the blank computer screen trying to give myself solace that I had no other choice.

When you are intent on listening for something, silence can be unnerving. You don’t know what meaning it might connote. My concentration was quickly broken when Sarah appeared in the doorway.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” She asked. I knew she was giving me one last chance call stop.

“Yes, sweetheart. It is.” I said forcing a smile.

When she turned to leave I bit my lip to stop the tears from starting.

Twenty minutes of silence passed while I sat at my desk. I fought with myself over knowing or not wanting to know. Eventually, I knew which side would win and with the rationalization of “checking on her safety” I quietly went down the hall and peered into the living rooms from the shadows.

Malcolm and Sarah were sitting on the couch kissing passionately. Sarah still had her clothes on from work which consisted of a white blouse and a navy knee length skirt. She also had on the pearls I had given her for our 20th anniversary. I was surprised Malcolm hadn’t been more aggressive, especially based on the activities in the video, but watching I sensed his intent was to be patient and seduce.

He kissed her tenderly on her ears, neck and lips while massaging her neck and shoulders. I could tell he was whispering to her but couldn’t make out the words but his actions were causing her to emit soft purring sounds.

He played her slow until she couldn’t take it anymore and took the initiative unbuttoning his shirt and rubbing her hands over his large chest. I could see her squirming on the couch next to him pushing her chest against him trying to get him to touch. He ignored this and continued the soft kisses and caresses until she finally stood and pulled him up with her hand. He kissed her again before she broke away and went towards our bedroom coming back quickly with condoms in her hand that she showed to him before leading him towards the guest bedroom at the far end of the house.

I waited for a few minutes then softly made my way towards the bedroom. The door was shut and it was quiet so I went back to my study and surfed the internet, aimlessly clicking on websites for fifteen minutes before going back to the door.

Listening closely, I could hear Sarah’s moans through the closed door. My mind conjured up a vision if what was going on in the room, on the bed and I quickly found myself standing there with an erection straining against my pants. After ten minutes of listening and wondering, I couldn’t take it any longer and quietly turned the knob and stepped inside.

Malcolm had his head between Sarah’s legs and her right hand rested on his head while her left played with her nipples. I slipped into a chair in the corner of the room hoping my presence wouldn’t interrupt. Sarah saw me though and took her hand from his head and reached out to me.

Five months later, my fears were confirmed when Sarah announced that she was pregnant. Of course, there was no question the child was Malcolm’s and I wondered if this was something that Sarah needed to have happen to bring closure to her pregnancy with him so long ago. She wouldn’t even discuss getting an abortion and we went through some very strained times. Sarah told me repeatedly that she loved me and wanted me to understand but there is nothing more emasculating for a man than his wife carrying another man’s child. In the end, she won me over, like she always did, and we discussed how to deal with the situation.

I witnessed her body changing as the child grew inside her womb. Like with our children, her breasts got very sore and her nipples darkened. She also got a glow to her skin that made her even more beautiful.

Fortunately, we had the means and the flexibility in our jobs that enabled us to move to Europe for the last 5 months of her pregnancy, right before she started to show. We rented an old farm house in the lakes region of northern Italy. We got to see the changing of the season from spring to summer almost in time with her changes. Our biggest problem was keeping our kids and family from coming over to visit.

Throughout her pregnancy, we never had intercourse. Instead, Sarah would deal with my needs either orally or with her hand. There was an unspoken understanding that her vagina was off limits to me. Up until the move, Malcolm and her would get together often leaving her satisfied and exhausted. I knew from her previous pregnancies that she would get extremely aroused, particularly mid and late term and this time was no exception. Several times I was awakened to the sounds of her furious masturbation.

Sarah went into labor exactly on time in mid-September and Malcolm was there to drive her to the hospital. She delivered his son in the early afternoon while he held her hand. Two days later mother and son, now named Thomas after his father, returned to the farmhouse and Malcolm left for the states. The boy is dark like Malcolm who swears he looks like him in his baby pictures.

Sarah lovingly nursed her new son for the next month while she recovered and got her weight down. Then, we returned home with a well fabricated story about adopting a poor homeless black infant. The surprise from friends and family quickly turned to admiration for our open hearts. No one saw through the charade and our kids bonded quickly to their new “adopted” brother

To my disappointment, but not surprise, Malcolm bedded Sarah on the second day of our return. I found out when I saw her later changing clothes with hickeys all over her milk filled breasts. I threw a fit about not wanting her pregnant again and she agreed so when Malcolm refused to get a vasectomy she got fitted with a diaphragm.

Fortunately, Malcolm has mostly lived up to keeping his word on being silent. His one known indiscretion was to tell his sister who now is often at his place when Sarah visits with the baby. She will watch the baby giving them time alone in his bedroom.

We have both returned to our work routine having arranged for a nanny for Thomas. Sarah basically lives in a world of two husbands. Between both of us she has sex every other day but seems to enjoy it and has never complained. During quiet moments with myself, I contemplate what life would be like if I hadn’t looked back.

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